Author: Juanita Wooley
“I love you,” he says again, this time he doesn’t bother looking at me. He already knows the answer. I don’t know why he doesn’t just give up. All his words do is cause me pain. I’m pretty sure that is not a good sign for someone who is not supposed to become attached. I love you, too.
I sigh, running my fingers through my newly cut bangs. I can’t look him in the eyes either. “Why do you do this to yourself?” Why are you doing this to me?
“You don’t get it, do you?” his brown eyes flash gold. “If not you, then there is no one else.” You are the only one for me, too.
We both know this won’t convince me. I have shot down Mark so many times that if this had been a war, I would have been standing in the middle of a massacre of my own creation. Yeah, with a bullet through my own heart.
“Mark, I am not a good person. Find yourself a nice girl and live happily ever after with her. Forget about me.” I close my eyes, leaning my head against the brick column of the Five and Dine where we have both been working this summer, him a cook and me a waitress. You are going to have to…
“You are such a liar. You are a good person and we both know it,” his face goes adorably red from sheer indignation. He always looks this way when he is angry, but I like it the most when he smiles. When he smiles, I remember that the world isn’t always a bad place. It makes me warm on the inside. It reminds me that I’m alive. I wish I could stay.
“Give up on me, Mark,” I open my eyes, turning to look into his. In them, I see my reflection. Someone who looks like me. Someone almost beautiful. It hurts. Don’t look at me that way…just forget me.
“Please, don’t do this to me,” I plead. “Feelings will only make this harder. You need someone who can be there. I am going to disappear from your life just as quickly as I came into it and I cannot tell you why. You will forget about me. You will be happy.” Even saying this, my heart is still breaking.
“I just don’t understand,” he slams into the wall. “Why can’t you stay? Don’t you know wherever you go, I will look for you. For me, it’s you. Isn’t there supposed to be a slice of happiness for everyone at least for a little while?” That’s not true. Some people don’t have happy endings. I will always be outside of your reach.
I don’t say that to him though. I would cry if I could, but this is really for the best, his best. You are the bullet piercing my heart.
“Saying those words, don’t change what is. No matter how painful this is, you must go on,” he glares at me as the words leave my mouth. I wish with all my heart that was true
I turn to him and give him one of my rare genuine smiles.” I’ve got to go.” Remember me this way.
“Jina,” his voice rings in the distance, “You will always be the best thing to ever happen to me”.
No, I am going to break your heart into a million pieces. You will resent me. Tomorrow, you will awake to a world without me.
I turn around one last time, memorizing the way he looks; it will have to be enough to last a lifetime. There will never be another connection, an attachment, of this strength for me. I know it, just as I know the truth. I cannot stay here. I don’t think about all the “I will nevers” just as I don’t regret not telling him I love him. Saying the words wouldn’t make a happily ever after real, but it would make the pain gnawing at the inside of my stomach more real. It would be burning a heart that is already ash. I needed to keep some part of me to myself. I turn around, determined not to look back once. I throw my hand in the air and give a small backwards wave.
“I will see you again,” his voice echoes behind me with an unshakeable determination that makes my lips quiver. I want to shake my head in denial, but I won’t give him that satisfaction. No, really you won’t. Not Ever.
A life of loneliness seemed unbearable now, but the choice was never mine to make. Mark will get married. Mark will have kids. More importantly, Mark won’t remember you exist.
Even as the tears I knew would come begin to fall from my eyes and my vision blurs, they still face forward. You will forget him, too.